Thus spake the Archangel Michael, saying to the Novitiate Magdela: “What do you want? I’ve got a pandemic to deal with.”
Magdela: I wish to speak of thy servant, Joseph.
Michael: He’s not my servant, he’s the Big Guy’s servant. Go over your notes again. Which Joseph?
Magdela: Fitzgerald.
Michael: Oh, yeah. Joe Fitz. Died in 1958. Eight kids. Thirty-three grandchildren. Him and his kids are in the Chicago Irish cloud, right? Bagpipes instead of harps.
Magdela: Seven of them. One married an Italian.
Michael: We still separate them?
Magdela: We do in Chicago, sire.
Michael: Makes sense. What can we do for Joe?
Magdela: It’s actually his grandson, Joseph Gus.
Michael: Oh, yeah. Named for Gus Crouse. Three kids, ten grandkids. Coal miner. Liked to read the Greeks.
Magdela: Both tough men thou speakest of. This is their grandson.
Michael: The guy that voted for the high school that was too small?
Magdela: It seemed enormous at the time, sire.
Michael: Said every mugging victim, ever. What’s he done now?
Magdela: He doeth great things in his city.
Michael: Uh, my screen says somewhere between not too shabby and pretty good. You need to refresh your browser window. What were his good works again?
Magdela: If thou wouldst clickest on the green box that sayeth AOS.
Michael: Is that the congresswoman? You know … sorry … knowest we’re not granting Congress any boons this year.
Magdela: That’s AOC, sire. The green button thou needest to click is the Amelioration of Sins link.
Michael: Got it. And could you please quit sticking “-est” on the end of everything? You sound like a JMU PR flack. What are we booning Fitzgerald for?
Magdela: His Facebook posts.
Michael: Good things from Facebook? That’ll be the day. Why did we allow Facebook anyway?
Magdela: Pestilence wasn’t working
Michael: OK, I remember. What did Fitzgerald put on Facebook? Hurry up. I need to get back to divvying up Jan. 6 with your cousin Lucifer. He claims he’s running out of room.
Magdela: Joseph lighteth candles in the darkness by informing his neighbors about pandemic case rates and history. He is diligent and faithful about it.
Michael: Diligent and faithful, said every soul in Purgatory. It says here he only spends five minutes a day on his D&F work. More like lighting an LED. Anything else?
Magdela: He hath fed the hungry.
Michael: Are you sure? Sister Mary Deb says he only cooks twice a month. Are we supposed to give him Matthew points for that?
Magdela: He encourages his neighbors to give money to the food bank. And he aided nurses in their time of need. Pizza and subs, mostly.
Michael: Whatever happened to manna? So does he want Matthew points for feeding the hungry or treating the sick?
Madgela: Neither doth he ask. But his neighbors clamor for a reward for him.
Michael: A novitiate’s clamor is an archangel’s murmur. Aren’t these the same people who clamored for an Olive Garden? Not to mention wanting Kline’s to stay open all winter. Can we do something subtle for Fitzgerald? Without telling him it’s from us? His opinion of himself is high enough already.
Madgela: Well, he owneth several URLs.
Michael: Owneth? Was she the one who played Tony Stark’s wife?
Madgela: That was Gwyneth, sire.
Michael: Whatever. You know the Big Guy used to let us do that thing with finger-snapping and devastation. Old Testament days. Before your time. So Fitzgerald owns what?
Madgela: Joepeg. Dot com.
Michael: Joepeg?
Madgela: It’s wordplay, sire. A jay-peg is an image on the internet.
Michael: Yeah. Spelled JPG, but they throw in a couple of arbitrary vowels like in Croatian surnames. Not the kind of detail I need to worry about usually. So why does Fitzgerald own joepeg?
Madgela: He thought he might want to make money off his photography one day.
Michael: Well, I’ve seen his stuff. He’s gonna have to figure out ISO settings first. So, do you have a plan for this boon?
Madgela: We will touch the heart of a Samaritan, and he shall go forth unto GoDaddy and buy Joepeg dot com for a ridiculous amount of money. Fitzgerald will never know where it cometh from.
Michael: So it’s a Matthew 6:3 thing in reverse. You could use this for extra credit in Mysteries 101. How much were you going to boon him?
Madgela: I thought $10,000, sire. And some myrrh.
Michael: Forget the myrrh. My screen says he’s still on Old Spice. So let me recappeth . . . Now you’ve got me doing it. Let me recap. Fitzgerald registers joepeg dot com on a whim, and we’re going to have some Samaritan from GoDaddy drop in like a celestial ISP and give him $10,000 for it? Yup. He’ll neither know nor understand, but must believe it when the money shows up. I like it. Go ahead.
Madgela: As thou commandest.
Michael: And take the Verb Endings 202 class. King James died 400 years ago. Was there anything else?
Madgela: Tax forms, sire?
Michael: Not our department. We gave the other guy the IRS along with the NFL. I forget what we got for it.
Madgela: The internet and two draft choices?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Worst deal since that kid in Georgia got the golden fiddle. Anyway, finish this off. See if you can find some venal penance for Fitzgerald, so he doesn’t get too cocky.
Madgela: Our records say he’s still involved with Democratic Party politics.
Michael: That oughta do it.
I wish I had your clever sense of humor!