Pastor Augustus was livid. He was trying to get ready for the next meeting of the Valley Institute for Liberty in Education but had been distracted by something his cousin’s sister had read on the internet.
For years children had been taught that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. But his cousin’s sister had read that the story was not true. Liberal historians were claiming he had actually begun to wonder about gravity when he watched an apple fall, but Augustus knew that was just their heathen way of hanging on to the lies they had been teaching the children.
Pastor Augustus did not start the Valley Institute for Liberty in Education in order to propagate socialist propaganda about vaccines and gravity. He was smarter than that. He knew what this really meant.
Gravity was not true.
It was another pointy-headed ivory tower lie designed to alienate children from their parents. Even worse, it used the apple, the symbol of original sin, the original proof of women’s weakness, in order to teach an untrue doctrine.
As the founder and president of VILE, Pastor Augustus knew he had to take action. He set aside the snake he was handling and began making phone calls. Their children, he told his followers, had to begin pushing other children off the monkey bars to prove gravity was not true.
One member had an alternative idea. Couldn’t the children of VILE just jump off the monkey bars themselves?
Pastor Augustus did not get angry. He was used to questions like this from those who did not see the world as clearly as he did. He explained to the doubter that the children of believers had to stay on top until all the other children had been pushed off. Only then could they inherit the playground and tell the truth about gravity.
School board members had a long agenda that week. They had budget reallocations; hiring incentives to address the shortage of bus drivers; a discussion of woke teachers refusing to use white chalk; and a presentation about the need for a new elementary school. As they approached their meeting, they saw members of VILE kneeling in the parking lot praying around a set of papier-mâché monkey bars. It was going to be a long night.